2/05/2016

Believe It or Not: You Can Support Bernie and Not Despise Hillary (and Vice-Versa)

Let's be honest here about the presidency of either Bernie Sanders or Hillary Clinton. It doesn't matter which one is "pragmatic" or "progressive" or "progressive progressive" or "pragmatically progressive." It matters about as much as a flea fart in a tornado. Because, see, neither of them is getting shit past a Congress that has at least one house controlled by Republicans. Hillary Clinton ain't gonna wiggle her nose and cause the obstructionist fucknuts to all of a sudden "want to get things done." Bernie Sanders ain't gonna wave a magic staff and cause "revolution" to overtake the hearts of the very assholes who have done everything in their power to halt the moderate-left agenda of President Obama. The Republicans ain't gonna compromise with any Democrat in the White House. It ain't in their nature.

And let's be honest: Any argument over who is progressiver is just fucking dumb, no matter who started it. Obviously, compared to the hellbeasts running on the Republican side, both Sanders and Clinton are progressive. To fight over by what degree is a waste of time and energy. It's fucking dumb that Sanders brought it up. It's fucking dumb that Clinton didn't just say, "That's fucking dumb" and ignored it. (Conversely, any argument on the other side over who is conservativer is just as fucking dumb. Don't worry, fellas and lady, you're all just terrible human beings.)

The Rude Pundit is leaning towards Sanders in the primary because Sanders' views on shit more readily align with his. That's it. It's the simplest comparison in the world: "Who is most like me? Okay, they've got my vote." By saying that, the Rude Pundit will be accused of supporting a gun-loving freak who lives in a fantasy world, even if none of those things are remotely true. When he was leaning Clinton, he was accused of supporting a Wall Street shill who was just fuckin' skeevy, which, again, there is not a whole lot of proof for any of that. And if Clinton wins the Democratic nomination, he will support her and vote for her because the Rude Pundit is not a fucking idiot. He has no problem voting for Clinton because the alternative is not to vote, which gives more support to a Republican, and fuck that noise with a sharpened chainsaw.

In the last week, the Rude Pundit has met at least five people who support various candidates (including, frighteningly enough, someone thinking hard about Trump). All of them said they couldn't vote for Clinton because:
1. "She just bothers me."
2. "There's something about her."
3. "She just seems like she's dirty."
4. "Blarg, garf, Trump." (shits self)
5. "You know she did something wrong."

Every single one of these voters is merely a tool of the Republican anti-Clinton machine which has worked tirelessly for over two decades to make sure that the name "Clinton" is tainted, even if there is no real reason for any of it. You want to know how to stop an asshole anti-Hillary Republican in their tracks? Ask them if they think Republicans would be investigating Benghazi or the email bullshit if Clinton wasn't running for president. The Rude Pundit asked a few, and all of them said, "No" or "Probably not." Well, there you fucking go.

That same feeling permeates the left: Something has to be bad about Hillary or why would we spend all this time talking about how bad she is? That's letting conservatives set the rules of engagement. To his credit, Sanders refuses to go down the road of criticizing her on the email fake scandal. But "Benghazi" is now in the lexicon with "Whitewater" as shorthand for "Scumbag Clintons." You can bet that if Hillary Clinton is elected, those motherfuckers will open impeachment hearings right after the inauguration because that's how vermin roll. You want to be a part of that, alleged progressive?

This is not to say that you can't find fault in things that Clinton or Sanders have done or voted on. Jesus Christ, they've both had long careers. Of course they're gonna do shit that pisses you off. While we're all handjobbing President Obama for the ACA signups and the unemployment rate, you still have to reconcile that with the TPP (or dismiss it and call anyone who mildly criticizes the president "racist" because you're just that special kind of asshole).

There are two fucking missions for whoever gets the Democratic nomination. First, prevent a Republican from getting into office. And we can argue until the cows come home, take a shit, and go to sleep about which polls prove which candidate can do that. But no matter what, you have to stop the Republicans from fucking this nation harder than Chris Christie on his wife's ass while she wears a Hillary mask on the back of her head.

And then the second mission is to take the Congress back, all of it, and it better be by a filibuster-proof majority. Otherwise, nothing is going to get done beyond executive orders and some foreign policy efforts.

Dispute each other, sweet BernieBots and HillaryBots (or Bernie Bros and Hillary...Harridans? What awful, sexist thing is it? It's all so goddamn stupid), but if you declare you despise the other candidate, you should ask who you're believing, especially when it comes to Clinton. You might be laying down in a bed of slime.

2/04/2016

Taking a Sick Day, Boss

Is it the Zika virus? The flu? A cold and he's just a pussy? Who knows? But the Rude Pundit feels like warmed over shit, and, frankly, he couldn't give a squirt of spider monkey jizz about the presidential candidates. (Other than "Fuck you with a donkey dildo, Marco Rubio, you Jesus-fellating gargoyle.")

Back later? Tomorrow? with more phlegmy rudeness.

2/03/2016

As Obama Speaks, Too Many Americans Are Cowards About Mosques

Today, President Obama went to a mosque in Baltimore to say, in essence, "Yeah, all those assholes who hate on Muslims are just too goddamn dumb to breathe without Breitbart telling them how." It seems appropriate, then, to take a quick look around the country to see what the cowardly morons are doing when it comes to mosques being built in their 'hoods.

For instance, way out in Gillette, Wyoming, a town of 31,000 with less than three dozen Muslims, a mosque opened in December of 2015. The mosque is a converted house where the .1% of Gillette could worship, and, if you're gonna be a Muslim terrorist, you're not gonna exactly disappear into the population of a town in the middle of fucking nowhere, where, statistically, you look different from everyone else. Although, to be sure, the Rockpile Museum, with its new pioneer quilts exhibit, might be a prime ISIS target.

These fears caused one not-brave American, Bret Colvin, to start one of those Facebook groups of the damned, "stop islam in gillette !" with a goal of stopping "the islam invasion sponsored by...barrack obama." It's good to know that someone doesn't write in all caps these days. Or spell the president's name correctly like an ordinary Muslim might. Colvin views himself as a modern-day Crusader, ready to use the mighty sword of Zuckerberg to angrily stab the keyboard for the glory of Christ. Of course, now the group has over 400 members. Of course, people are commenting shit like "These Muslim maggots need to be gut shot." For his part, Colvin said, "The issue with the mosque is we didn’t know who was behind it, who was in it, where it came from."

Except here's the funny part: the mosque was built by the Khan family, which has been in Wyoming since 1906. They own 45 properties, mostly hotels, with 15 in Gillette. Indeed, the Khans are responsible for building hotels and bringing jobs to Gillette, and they have been for years. You can bet that they have far deeper roots in Wyoming than most of the people who joined Colvin's shitty Facebook group. Most of the members of the mosque are members of the Khan family, who now face harassment and threats.

But, wait, it gets even funnier: A "heavyset white man" from Gillette, with the nearly Dickensian name of Erich Schlup, knocked on the door of the mosque during a sermon because that's what the fuck you do when you don't understand something: you take a minute to learn. He listened to the sermon and came away with a different idea about the mosque and the Muslims in Gillette: "The sermon was - it's not entirely unlike what I've experienced when I've gone to church." Schlup's cousin is part of the anti-Muslim Facebook group, but Schlup won't be joining: "Everyone wants to be peaceful and coincide with each other. And how can we do that without understanding each other? So why not come check it out and learn a few things?"

Meanwhile, now that the mayor and others in the town have said that the mosque is here to stay (and, really, are you gonna piss off one of the biggest employers in the town?), Colvin has set his sights on keeping out the alleged 2000 Syrian refugees that are supposed to be resettled in Gillette.

Which would be surprising since Wyoming hasn't accepted a single refugee since 2012.

Fear and ignorance won't be undone by inconvenient facts.

2/02/2016

Iowa: Who the Fuck Cares?

Now that the Iowa caucuses are over and the people of the state can go back to...what?...fucking their asses with corncobs?...it's time for us to parse the exhaustingly meaningless exercise in fake democracy. You have to wonder why there aren't mass suicides among the reporters who have been forced to live in the desolate winter hellscape of Iowa for weeks. You have not known despair until you have been surrounded by plowed corn or wheat fields, filled with dried dirt and patches of snow. It isn't quaint. It isn't charming. It's fucking depressing when gray dirt meets gray sky. So, sure, you can either caucus or go on a killing spree.

What did we learn? Well, other than that rabid religious twat mites will vote for whatever crazed fucker jacks off to Jesus hardest, we learned that delegates can be awarded by the toss of a goddamn coin. It would have been more fair to put up photos of Sanders and Clinton and let a monkey toss shit at one and declare the other the winner.

Otherwise, the Rude Pundit isn't going to justify this overwrought spectacle by searching for any meaning in the results. Yeah, it was fun to see Donald Trump act like he had just been punched repeatedly in the balls. Yeah, it's great that young people turned out to caucus for Bernie Sanders. Yeah, Chris Christie oughta feel like shit. But, really, all this pretense to believing that Iowa tells us anything other than which asshole is gonna feel awfully fuckin' smug for a week or so is a gigantic waste of time and effort.

If you wanna learn anything, look at what the candidates said in victory and pseudo-victory.

For instance, dickfaced shitsmear Ted Cruz, a man whose voice sounds like he molests rodents, went on a mad ramble of a speech, pretty much proclaiming his win of not even a third of the voters in Iowa was tantamount to the second coming of Christ plus the greatest blow job ever times a smoking gun Benghazi email. Enjoy some uncut batshit: "While Americans will continue to suffer under a president who has set an agenda who is causing millions to hurt across this country I want to remind you of the promise of scripture. Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. Iowa has proclaimed to the world, morning is coming. Morning is coming. From day one this campaign has been a movement. For millions of Americans to organize, to rally, to come together." The word "joy" is not what comes to mind when the Rude Pundit thinks of Ted Cruz. "Ferret rape" and "child beating" seem more appropriate.

Cruz had opened his over half-hour long speech with "Let me first of all say, to God be the glory." That went along with third place finisher Marco Rubio saying, "I thank my lord and savior Jesus Christ, I thank God for allowing me the opportunity to come this far with each of you." Seriously, if Jesus came back and said, "You know what I really want? Some filthy scat play," Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio would volunteer their faces for him to shit on.

Rubio's speech was even more pathetic than Donald Trump's brief "Well, shit" admission of loss. The demi-senator from Florida acted like he had been asked to prom by the hot captain of the football team. He said, "For months, for months they told us we had no chance. For months they told us because we offer too much optimism in a time of anger, we had no chance. For months they told us because we didn't have the right endorsements or the right political connections, we had no chance. They told me that we have no chance because my hair wasn't gray enough and my boots were too high. They told me I needed to wait my turn, that I needed to wait in line. But tonight, tonight here in Iowa, the people of this great state have sent a very clear message."

Dude, you came in third. Apparently, pride is one of those sins that you can just forget about whenever it's convenient.

Well, it's on to New Hampshire and more fuckery. You can bet, though, that you will have never seen political savagery like Trump going after Rubio and Cruz for the next week. He will be dining on their viscera by Saturday's debate, which, you can also bet, he won't be skipping.

2/01/2016

Ted Cruz Revises the Bible, In Case You Were Too Dumb to Get a Metaphor

The Rude Pundit receives all kinds of campaign email he never signed up for because, for whatever reason, he has been put on Hell's political spam list. Most of it is just Hillary Clinton saying, "I want you" or Rand Paul pathetically whining that he can still win if anyone would pay attention to him (Spoiler: he can't and they won't). So it's rare when something breaks through the white noise of begging and masturbation. But he got one today that made him take notice.

It's from the Ted Cruz campaign (motto: "To know Ted is to hate Ted"), and it's titled, "A Time for Prayer." See, the Rude Pundit totally forgot that he signed up to be part of Senator Ted Cruz's Super-Duper Prayer Team, and we've been receiving missives in the email telling us how to pray for Cruz to become president and smite his enemies with one jerk of the mighty cock of Christ.

Cruz's campaign takes verses from the Bible and edits them to make them Cruz-centric. It's sort of like how you go to your girlfriend's house and paste your face over the face of ex-boyfriends, her father, her brother, and her dog in her photos so that you are her everything. It's creepy and fucked-up and says more about you than you might want people to know. And the version of the Bible that Cruz uses is The Message, in which the language is dumbed down so that even your double-inbred cousin can drool over the pages and understand it.

This week's Super-Duper Prayer Team prayerlingus comes from Psalm 35, which is Old Testament David praying for some help from the Big Guy. Just to give you a flavor of the language we're talking here, this is Verse 1 in King James: "Plead my cause, O Lord, with them that strive with me: fight against them that fight against me." And here it is in The Message: "Harass these hecklers, God,/punch these bullies in the nose. The former is poetry. The latter is dogshit. Perfect for Cruzite reading.

So here's Cruz's version of verses 9-10: "But let [Ted and staff] run loose and free, celebrating God’s great work, every bone in [their] bod[ies] laughing, singing, 'God, there’s no one like you. You put the down-and-out on their feet and protect the unprotected from bullies!'" We're supposed to pray that God prevents Cruz from getting a well-deserved wedgie? A shit swirlie from the forces of Lucifer? Someone saying his outfit is "totally gay" on Instagram?

But it gets better (worse). Verse 4: "When those [out to trap Ted] try to knife [him] in the back, make [him] look foolish. Frustrate all those who are plotting [his] downfall." Swear to god, those bracketed parts are from the Cruz campaign, and they're replacing "me" (or David, who wanted help dealing with persecution by Saul and...you know, who the fuck cares) with Cruz. That's right. Cruz is now David before he became king. And the translation really is like it's written by psychopaths for psychopaths.

And then, using verse 19, we pray, "[We the Prayer Team, Ted and Heidi, and the entire campaign staff] will give you full credit when everyone gathers for worship; when the people turn out in force [we] will say [our] Hallelujahs." So the logic here is that voting for Ted Cruz is like worshipping God. That's not megalomaniacal in a truly frightening way at all. What's great is that Cruz's campaign thought its voters were too fucking stupid to get that these quotes could be metaphors for Cruz. Instead, they chose to literalize it.

The amount of nutzoid religiosity that has become part of the Cruz campaign approaches the absurd. Someone's gonna have to tell the Rude Pundit what Cruz even meant when he said, as part of his closing argument in Iowa, it's time to "awaken the body of Christ that we may pull back from the abyss." Where the fuck is the body of Christ? Didn't he ascend to heaven? Is it in heaven? Has Jesus been asleep all this time? And then he went on, "If we awaken and energize the body of Christ — if Christians and people of faith come out and vote our values — we will win and we will turn the country around," which clarifies things perhaps: So the "body" here is a group of people and not the actual body of Christ. That's pretty fucking confusing. Anything else? "I want to tell everyone to get ready, strap on the full armor of God, get ready for the attacks that are coming," Cruz said. Honestly, the Rude Pundit stopped at "strap on" and couldn't read any further for fear that the rest was a graphic description of Cruz getting anally violated for votes, which is how we got the Iowa caucuses.

By the way, the email is topped with a photo of Cruz and his family, including the daughter who hates his fucking guts. We all feel you, girlfriend, we all feel you.

1/29/2016

Donald Trump's Leather Slaves Assemble Without Their Master

Woe to the submissive who is bereft of master. What is a sub to do without a dom? Who is there to tell him to insert the butt plug with the pony tail? Where does one crawl and to whom does one present his ready anus? "Should I keep the ball gag in or take it out?" the leather slave must wonder. "And this mask. Zipper open or closed? Can I loosen the nipple clamps? What about this cock ring with a leash? Do I hold it myself? How do I step on my own balls?" God, how confusing, all that hair unpulled, all that skin not spanked, whipped, and, occasionally, punched.

Last night in Des Moines, Iowa, an assemblage of seven leather slaves stood on the stage while their master, Donald Trump, had abandoned them for his own event. "God," Rand Paul thought, "he's going to jack off and doesn't want me to lick the floor clean?"

Oh, sure, the leather slaves attempted to soldier on without Trump, having something of a debate, but mostly we were treated to the sight of seven lost souls going through the motions in assless chaps or tight thongs or, in the case of Cruz, one of those creepy full-body leather outfits. They occasionally were able to act on their own, like when they all piled on Marco Rubio and rolled around, sweating against each other over who was meaner to immigrants. And Ben Carson was like a reverse Bill Cosby, making himself fall asleep so he could get fucked.

Sometimes, sneering Megyn Kelly seemed to be taking charge of the whip, but she was a poor substitute for Trump, who, with a wave of his hand and some blustery phrasing, could cause even a rampaging Chris Christie to avert his eyes and beg to lick Trump's nipples.

It was hard to figure out who was the most pathetic figure on stage. Perhaps it was Ted Cruz, who tried to act like he could be a harsh dominant when he said, "Gosh, if you guys ask one more mean question I may have to leave the stage." In Cruz's head, it must have sounded like he was doing something brave, but even he had to realize that by imitating his master, he was, in fact, honoring him. Cruz will be well-rewarded by having the privilege of keeping Trump's balls warm in his mouth.

More likely, the saddest leather slave on stage was Jeb Bush, who acted as if he was finally free from the cruel shackles that Trump had placed on him. Bush was brave enough to take some jabs at his master: "I kind of miss Donald Trump. He was a little teddy bear to me. We always had such a loving relationship in these debates and in between and the tweets. I kind of miss him. I wish he was here. Everybody else was in the witness protection program when I went after him." No doubt, Trump will be amused by Bush's pitiable and lame swipes. It'll be the blindfold and the perforated paddle for Bush.

Setting himself up as the leather slave most likely to be punished harshly by his master, Marco Rubio kept attempting to puff up his credentials and his conservative bona fides. Rubio kept mentioning his Christianity and the prison camp at Guantanamo Bay, as if one could actually reconcile those two things. He confronted his master by trying to make the world even scarier than Trump does: "ISIS is the most dangerous jihadist group in the history of mankind...They want to trigger an apocalyptic Armageddon showdown." Trump shall be displeased, and he will make Rubio's approach literal by forcing the senator to eat certain foods and exercise vigorously in a way that causes him to shit himself. Rubio will be ordered to wear the shit pants for the rest of the night.

Ultimately, Trump maintained his dom position by making the night all about him even when it wasn't about him. He could hold his rally for veterans or whatever the fuck it was, but his heart and his cock were with his leather slaves. He wanted them to suffer without his presence. This was just another exquisite torture by their master and none of the leather slaves were brave enough to say, "I'm sick of being Trump's bitch" and walk away. So that must mean that, on some primal level, they love it.

1/28/2016

In New Orleans, Confederate Monuments Are Ready to Be Shit-Canned

The Rude Pundit has an idea for a new monument on Lee Circle in New Orleans. Right now, the traffic/streetcar turn is named for Confederate General Robert E. Lee, with a big statue on a big column dead in the center of the circle. A federal judge has denied a request for an injunction on taking down Robert E. Lee and three other Confederate monuments in New Orleans, so General Lee can come on down. The other monuments were statues of Jefferson Davis and General P.G.T. Beauregard, as well as a dumbass obelisk celebrating that time a group of whites attacked the integrated New Orleans police force. It's heritage, not hate.

The decision by U.S. District Judge Carl Barbier against the Louisiana Landmarks Society is heavy on the ol' legalese. But there is one choice line that deserves quoting. The LLS tried to use the Veterans Memorial Preservation and Recognition Act, which "makes it a criminal offense for a defendant to willfully injure or destroy any monument on public property commemorating the service of any person in the armed forces of the United States."

As Barbier points out, "Plaintiffs have not shown that any of the monuments commemorate 'the service of any person...in the armed forces of the United States.'" In a footnote, Barbier notes that, while Lee, Davis, and Beauregard all were part of the U.S. Army at one point, the monuments commemorate their role in the Confederate States of America, which is decidedly not the USA: "None of the monuments references service in the United States Army." And, besides, the monuments are being moved to a warehouse for now, not melted down and poured over a pile of Confederate flags and pissed on by descendants of slaves, as they should be.

Of course, if there's one thing that we know about the white people of the Confederacy, it's that when they lose, they are total dickholes about it. One company, H&O Investments, that was contracted to take the monuments down dropped out after the owner received death threats at work and at home, as well as threats to his business on social media and elsewhere. Other clients said they would cancel business with the company if it continued to work on the monuments. In the final insult, even after H&O backed out of the project, the owner's $200,000 Lamborghini was torched. It was not noted if a cross was burned near it.

So that idea: Instead of just taking down the Lee statue, the Rude Pundit proposes this: Lee can stay up there, but he's got to be positioned on all fours. In front of the commander of Confederate forces, Union General Ulysses S. Grant would stand proudly with his dick in Lee's mouth. Behind Lee, a male slave would be fucking the white general right in the ass. Both Grant and the slave would be flipping the bird with both hands, right at anyone who looked upon them debasing Lee.

That's the monument deserved by the assholes who have a problem with denying public space, at last, to traitors and terrorists.

Housekeeping: Rabble Tonight and Live Rudeness on Monday

Just a quick pimping of a couple of things the Rude Pundit is up to:

1. Tonight, he'll be watching the sad GOP debate with Jeff Kreisler (we'll probably switch to Trump's rally a few times) and mocking the fuck out of it on Rabble. Here's how it works: watch the debate on your TV or whatever. Tune your computer into us on Rabble.tv. You'll hear us moan and insult and yell like we're all at a bar together. We drink whiskey. You choose what you like.

And it's all free. If you want, you can join the rabble on Rabble by signing up (for free, yes) and comment throughout. We read and interact with commenters on the air. Shit, we'd buy a round for everyone if we were in the bar.

2. On Monday night, up here in New York City, the Rude Pundit will be telling stories live and in person at the inaugural "Political Tales with Jeff Kreisler & Harmon Leon." And he won't be alone. In addition to the illustrious hosts, he'll be on stage with Sirius XM host and comedian John Fugelsang, cartoonist (whose book Snowden is great) Ted Rall, and writer/comedian Negin Farsad.

It's at Union Hall in Brooklyn at 8 p.m. on Monday, February 1. Tickets are only 7 bucks in advance and are selling fast. So we can all be at a bar together (but the Rude Pundit won't be buying everyone a round).

You'll laugh, you'll get angry, you might cry, and you'll see hipsters in their natural environment. That's a bargain.