In Brief: President Bush Wants You to Know That He's Great:
There will be plenty of time for examining just how much destruction has been wrought by the last eight years (and not enough years in the rest of most of our lives to fix it). What's going on in Mumbai right now is pretty much Exhibit Y or Z of how blind and ignorant U.S. foreign policy has been under George W. Bush. And there's going to be many an exit interview, too. Still, in this day after Thanksgiving, the never more rightly-named "Black Friday," let's let the man speak for himself.

For the StoryCorps project of the Library of Congress, George and Laura Bush were interviewed by Bush's sister, Doro Bush Koch (which sounds like a cute Japanese lizard). Of course, one can't expect hard-hitting questions from one's own sister, and these seem particularly heavily scripted by committee. What's head-shakingly sad about the President's answers is how he refuses to recognize his failures, a lack of self-awareness that's beyond narcissism and into something we might rightly term "balls-out, fucking, barking mad." The Rude Pundit's pretty sure that's a condition listed in the DSM-IV.

Here's Bush on how he wants to be remembered as President: "I would like to be a person remembered as a person who, first and foremost, did not sell his soul in order to accommodate the political process. I came to Washington with a set of values, and I'm leaving with the same set of values. And I darn sure wasn't going to sacrifice those values." You get that? More than anything else ("first and foremost"), he wants to be remembered for being a stubborn motherfucker. More than anything else, he wants everyone for now and all eternity to know that he refused to change his "values," circumstances, history, and cataclysms be goddamned. That's some fine legacy-makin', that is.

When Sis asks about the role "faith" plays in his "day-to-day life," Bro answers, "I've been in the Bible every day since I've been the President, and I have been affected by people's prayers a lot. I have found that faith is comforting, faith is strengthening, faith has been important." How much of Bush's presidency has been taken up with time spent "in the Bible"? How does it compare to his cycling regimen? What's more important? The prayin' or the exercisin'? Fat Christians need to know, man.

Of course, being in the Bible so much while presidentin' has given Bush a chance to learn some shit. "[P]oliticians should not be judgmental people based upon their faith. They should recognize -- as least I have recognized I am a lowly sinner seeking redemption," he said, "and therefore have been very careful about saying (accept) my faith or you're bad. In other words, if you don't accept what I believe, you're a bad person." One might be tempted to say that a lowly sinner ought to avoid "pride," which, if the Rude Pundit's rudimentary understanding of the Good Book is right, is a sin. But, you know, why bother.

Bonus: Laura says, "I worry about Afghanistan." Truer words, darlin', truer words.


For Thanksgiving: A Navajo Prayer:
This is the final section of a lengthy shaman's prayer, when the spiritual man and the physical man are united. It seems appropriate, given how much we've talked about abstract concepts like "hope" and the "future," ideas we seem to have neglected for the better part of a decade. Chant this over your turkey and look to 2009:

To my feet I have returned,
To my limbs I have returned,
To my body I have returned,
To my mind I have returned,
To the dust of my feet I have returned,
To my saliva I have returned,
To my hair I have returned.

My feet are restored to me,
My limbs are restored to me,
My body is restored to me,
My mind is restored to me,
The dust of my feet is restored to me,
My saliva is restored to me,
My hair is restored to me.

The world before me is restored in beauty
The world behind me is restored in beauty
The world below me is restored in beauty
The world above me is restored in beauty
All things around me are restored in beauty
My voice is restored in beauty
It is finished in beauty
It is finished in beauty
It is finished in beauty
It is finished in beauty


Regarding Ann Coulter's Wired-Shut Jaw:
"Whoa, there, Ann, slow down. You're gonna break something," the Rude Pundit told Coulter as she gobbled cock with all the vigor of a drowning plague rat attempting to climb the slime-covered slabs that once ran along the sewers of Paris. No, no, the Rude Pundit wasn't getting blown by Coulter, but he was jacking off while Coulter went down on the Arab engineer in the studio where she was recording the audio for her new "book."

Unfortunately, Tamam was cursed with an enormous pair of balls, and, when Coulter went for the whole scrotum/cock package in one mouthful, well, she'd've had to have been boa constrictor to get her jaw that wide. The cracking sound was awful. Tamam would've screamed if he wasn't laughing so hard. Coulter said something that sounded like "Throw me down the stairs," and, thinking she wanted to cover the whole thing up, the Rude Pundit was happy to oblige.

Although, upon discussion, the Rude Pundit and Tamam thought she could have also been saying, "Come in my ears." He nodded at the engineer, who shrugged and headed to the stairwell.
Obama and Bush: Two Very Different Pre-Thanksgiving Fuck-You's (Update: Link to Video of Fuck You #2):
Fuck You #1: At around 11 a.m. Eastern time, at a press conference introducing economic advisers Paul Volcker and Jeff Gillooly - no, wait - Austan Goolsbee, President-Elect Barack Obama was asked the kind of blitheringly nonsensical question that has been burning up Blogsylvania and the news nets: How can he say he's for change when he's filling his administration with so many old hands from D.C.?

In that eloquent, bitch-slapping way of his, Obama said a mighty "Fuck you" to the whole discussion with his response: "I suspect the American people would be troubled if I selected a Treasury secretary or a chairman of an economic council at one of the most critical economic times in our history who had no experience in government whatsoever...What we're going to do is combine experience with fresh thinking. We need people who will be able to hit the ground running." Obama's answer is the same as his answer to questions about William Ayers, killing babies, and other bullshit, a kind of "Really? Is this really what you want to spend your fucking time talking about?" (The link is from Fox "news," the only news network to headline its report with the issue.)

And the best part of the "Fuck you" is that it sounded eminently reasonable and not in the least defensive. Unlike the current president, who sounds like Captain Queeg on a bender when he's ordering lunch. Speaking of...

Fuck You #2: The White House turkeys have been named, by online vote, Pumpkin and Pecan. In other words, pies. At the annual pardonin' o' the turkeys at 11:15 a.m., "sprinting to the finish" President George W. Bush made more turkey puns than you can shake a drumstick at (see that? gosh, it's so easy as... Pumpkin pie...the Rude Pundit's probably drunk right now). And he listed what he's thankful for, including Laura, the twins, and who the fuck cares. No, the "fuck you" isn't that the President is fiddling while your 401K burns. Bush has so much experience in his bowing that he could win the Devil's golden violin by now. And, no, the "fuck you" ain't that Pimple and Pisspot are gonna be flown first class to Disney World, where Pricktease will be the marshal of the Thanksgiving parade.

The "fuck you" was happening on MSNBC, which, unlike CNN and Fox "news," had a split screen during Bush's speech. One one side, the Commander in Chief. On the other side, Pumpkin. The turkey. Even during moments when Bush was getting sentimental about leaving the White House. Sometimes, Bush and Pumpkin were nose to beak, eyeballing each other. Now that's a quality "Fuck you, motherfucker."

Update: You can see Bush in a staring contest with Pumpkin over at Talking Points Memo.

The kicker to the whole day was that Bush was scheduled to do his turkey business at 10:45 a.m., when Obama announced his press conference. So the White House moved its event. It's like the kids had to change the play date so the grown-ups could pay the bills.

(By the way, you know what's kind of amazing? You can't even picture Obama pardoning a fucking turkey. Sure, he'll probably do it. But unlike Bush, who approached such obligations with dunce-like glee, for Obama, it'll be like a kick in the groin.)


Another Goddamned Survey:
This one's from Blogads. It's nowhere near as insanely long as the one for science below. And this one has the wonderful caveat "you can bail at the end of any page and your data will stick." So what the hell? You got a job or something?

Get clicky.
Fucked New Orleans (Crime Edition of a Series That Has No End in Sight):
New Orleans is fucked, no matter how many games the Saints win, no matter how goddamn festive City Park will be for Christmas. The fucked existence of New Orleans goes on while the federal government gives untold billions to Citigroup and other corporate teat-sucking gambling addicts of the financial world. Everyone gets concerned about the "ripple effect" of, say, Citigroup going under. Well, motherfuckers, the ripples are gonna happen even if for the next two months the Bush administration feeds it like a puking mama bird to her chicks. And you wanna talk about ripples in the lake? Then head to Ponchartrain, where it's a goddamn unending tsunami for New Orleans.

No, Katrina isn't the only factor in the gumbo of fucktardedness that is the Crescent City in 2008. Decades of neglect, backward-ass politics, priding drunken stupidity and failed athletics over smarts: causes spread among every government involved combined with the hurricane to make it just so very fucked down there.

It ain't just that New Orleans was just named the city with the highest crime rate in the country in a study using FBI stats. It's that Foreign Policy recently declared New Orleans one of the most dangerous cities in the fucking world. It's got a murder rate that's Third World-licious, more dangerous than Cape Town, South Africa, more killings than Papua, New Guinea. Think about that: you're less likely to get offed in the old home of apartheid and burning tire necklaces than you are in New Orleans.

A recent series in the Times-Picayune on "blight," a term many of us thought went out of vogue in the 1990s, revealed that the city isn't even sure how many people live there, even if they know how many die. Once thriving middle class neighborhoods are in their death throes. In one area of Gentilly, site of a broken levee in 2005, 20 houses were once occupied; three currently have residents. The city has to understand that it has permanently contracted, the newspaper says, and it needs to figure out just what the hell that means.

One of the most perversely fascinating ongoing documents of the fucked nature of the city is the New Orleans Murder Blog. It is an endless parade of horror, another way of looking at the legacy of George W. Bush (and many, many others). Here's just today's list of death and doom: "1) The unidentified body of a man was found in a truck that had been set afire and left in a grassy area off Hayne Boulevard a few blocks west of the Industrial Canal...2) A Gretna man accused of punching another man with brass knuckles during a disagreement has been booked with murder after the victim died Friday. Edwin May, 28, of 630 Third St., was booked with first-degree murder and armed robbery in connection with the death of Alan Fricker, 51, of Gretna. 3) A woman has been booked with second-degree murder after authorities in St. Bernard Parish said she shot her boyfriend three times Monday morning as he slept."

If that's not enough, there's always the charm of white supremacist assholes, whether it's a KKK splinter cell in the 'burbs offing a woman because she walked away from their oogedy-boogedy initiation ritual (which probably was "rednecks fuck the new girl") or a nutzoid dude in a Nazi uniform arrested before he shot someone.

As we move into the new world of Obama, as the Congress keeps figuring out ways to pay off the wealthy financiers who raped the economy while telling you to go fuck yourself, let's hope that someone in the next administration will say, "Let's try to un-fuck New Orleans."


Colmes Leaves Hannity (A Brief Fantasia In Play Form):
Setting: Sean Hannity's office at Fox "news" headquarters in the City of New York. The walls are decorated with signed photos of George W Bush, Bob Dole, John McCain, Sarah Palin, and other Republicans who have either lost election or their entire credibility. On a bookshelf bereft of any literature other than his books, there is a Ronald Reagan bobblehead. It was given to him as a joke. He does not get the joke. His desk has a blotter on it with one of Ann Coulter's used maxipads resting there.

Lights up: Sean Hannity, a man with a jaw that is seemingly steroidally huge and no visible neck, is fucking Alan Colmes, a thin man who looks as if he would shatter his face if he smiled, in the ass. The bored look on Colmes's face indicates to the audience that this is not the first time Hannity has reamed him. The date is Friday, November 21, 2008. The time is 8:45 p.m.

Colmes: You know, Sean, there's a point where my much-stretched asshole just swallows your little dick.

Hannity: (sweaty, with tears in his eyes) Oh, yeah, bitch, when's that?

Colmes: (not even grunting) Probably it happened sometime in September. But pretty much it was on November 4.

Hannity: (whimpering a bit) You're not gonna start that Obama-is-great shit again, are you? Now, tighten it up. We got a show to do in a few.

Colmes: I'm just saying. I think things are going to change around here.

Hannity: (pausing, pulling out, wiping his dick with Coulter's maxipad) What are you saying? (Yanks his pants up.) Alan? What?

Colmes: (standing, pulling up his pants) Maybe, with the way things are going in this country, it's time for me to pitch for a while.

(Long pause as Hannity stares at the other items on his desk. His CPAC letter opener with rhino horn handle, his Cheney memorial derringer, his razor blade that he uses to cut the cocaine that he snorts off Colmes's ass during commercial breaks.)

Hannity: (mumbling, a bit incoherent, to the audience) I could kill you if I wanted. Get Ailes to bury the pieces of the body. He's done it before.

Colmes: What was that?

Hannity: Nothing. (beat) You pitch? Fuck you. Now, make sure your ass is dry so I can do some coke.

Colmes: (not really able to muster much strength, but for him, this is titanic) Then...I'm gonna have to say good-bye. See you on-set.

Hannity: Pardon? (Colmes exits. In a priapic rage, Hannity trashes his office and demands that some Mexican lizard be made extinct to please him.)

(Lights out.)
Late Post Today:
The Commissioner has been Bat-texting shit for the Rude Pundit to do all day. Back in a bit with more lubricious rudeness.


Pictures That Make the Rude Pundit Feel Like He's Dropped Acid and Stepped into a Shark Tank:

So there she was, the Future of the Republican Party, standing there yesterday like the spank-worthy centerfold of the LL Bean Christmas catalog, at a turkey farm, having just pardoned a fair fowl from becoming a crispy-skinned main course, as is the Chief Executive of a state's wont. And then she talked to the press. In front of a trough of blood and guts. While a farm worker was killing turkeys.

The Rude Pundit loves that worker - let's name him "Johnny Moustache" - for constantly looking at Palin and over to the side, where, one may assume, someone's telling him he needs to get to work, that the turkeys won't slaughter themselves. The Rude Pundit loves Johnny because the expression on his face says, "Are you really that fucking stupid? Are you really our fucking governor? Were you really almost the fucking vice president? Well, fuck me."

One could say that the media there set up Palin. And, goddamn, you gotta hope that's true, that some producer said, "Let's see if this bitch is as much of an idiot as everyone says she is," that the reporter intentionally asked if there were programs in Alaska "on the chopping block" and what Palin was going to cook at her family's Thanksgiving dinner. She's in charge of the turkey. No, really.

If you watch the un-blurred video of it, you will truly understand how hilarious it is. While Johnny offs the deliciously plump birds, Palin holds a cup of coffee and smilingly pontificates about life on the campaign trail, building up services in Alaska, the effect of oil prices on the state, how her kids are happy, how "neat" it was to come to the farm, how "You need a little bit of levity in this job," how she's there to "promote a local business" and not do something that "invites criticism." MSNBC reported that the photographer asked if she cared about the background; Palin said, "No worries."

And is there anything else you need to know about the end of the Republican Party than what's contained in this video? The disengagement from the reality that's right in their fucking faces?

(In case you don't watch it: what Johnny Moustache there is doing is sticking the thrashing bird into the funnel, cutting its throat, and letting blood drain out, occasionally pushing on the still kicking bird to squeeze more blood out, priming the pump, if you will. Welcome to the reality of Thanksgiving season. Gobble-gobble, motherfuckers.)


The Baby Cockfight in the Republican Party:
So in North Carolina, this dude films his two year-old son and another two year-old beating the fuck out of each other. Well, in as much as a pair of toddlers can beat the fuck out of each other. The father is a skeevy bastard, a former Special Ops soldier who is giggling and cheering them on like it's free sheep fucking night at the Durham Ultimate Fighting Championship. Truly, this is a man who should be kicked in the balls repeatedly until his nutsack ruptures (and the only reason one should stop kicking is so as not to get blood on one's shoes).

The Rude Pundit thought about the perverse thrill of watching people who still spend time sitting in their own shit viciously, without conscience, smacking each other silly while reading how conservatives have been wrestling with why they got their asses handed to them on Election Day and what direction the party should head. For truly, what else would you call it except what the media has dubbed the NC children smackdown: "baby cockfight."

You can pretty much expect that Kathleen Parker, Washington Post right wing columnist, is going to get gang-raped by depraved readers who need someone at whom to direct their barely comprehending, bestial rage. Parker, who already incurred the shit-fling of the 'roid right for saying that Sarah Palin was a stupid choice for VP, has written what most of the smart conservatives have been saying for years: "[T]he evangelical, right-wing, oogedy-boogedy branch of the GOP is what ails the erstwhile conservative party and will continue to afflict and marginalize its constituents if reckoning doesn't soon cometh. Simply put: Armband religion is killing the Republican Party."

To give credit, when you read the comments section, sure, there's a number of "Jeebus gonna git ya" type of shit. But what comes through most clearly is an almost orgasmic sense of relief that somebody said it. (By the way, let's not give too many props to Parker, who is an unrepentant liberal bashing kooz, more than willing to propagate the most extreme myths about Democrats. And the God-expelling column itself is way too full of "oh, I'm a-gonna get the bad e-mails now" cutesiness.)

But there's more than enough reaction to Parker so far to make for quite the baby cockfight:
"Faith is far more important than politics, and with Christians under attack from both the anarchists of the left and the intellectuals of the right, all of the vitriol might make believers think twice about voting at all." From the blog Credo.

"But please drop the nonsense about how the G-O-D people or the Palin people are low brows and beasts. There are low brows and beasts everywhere, on every side of the ideological spectrum. Maybe if you got more ecumenical hate email you'd realize that." From Jonah Goldberg, who does think that the GOP has gotten religion lodged too deeply in its sphincter but doesn't like Parker dissing believers. Always the courage of his convictions with this one. He really oughta be forced to sponge-bathe his mother.

"It's always a bad thing to throw the baby out with the bathwater. It's even worse to throw out the Almighty." From some fuckin' who-gives-a-shit blogger at Townhall who's quoted only because it's so damn stupidly funny.

With the rise of God's open door-lovin' Palin, the resurgence of preacher Huckabee, and the deep hope that exorcizin' Bobby Jindal won't seem too batshit, with David Frum, Christopher Buckley, and other conservative writers fleeing to neutral corners to lick their wounds and figure out what the fuck to do, you gotta figure it's another few years before these baby cocks figure out how to stop swinging their tiny little fists at each other.


Survey of Bloggery:
Researchers at the University of Tennessee and Texas Tech are doing an online survey about habits related to bloggery and the election.

It's a long-ass thing, but look at it this way: if you don't take it, then Instapundit Glenn Reynolds's readers will skew it.

Oh, and you'll help out with journalism research. Get clicky.
Note to the Democrats in Congress: We're Not Useful Tools:
Here's something that the Democrats in Congress need to realize about the progressive movement in America as they get on with the business of leading with a big-ass majority in the House and a near (or exact) supermajority in the Senate: We're not the Christian right and we're not the black vote (although we contain many African Americans and a fair number of evangelicals). You can't simply use us as your condom to fuck the Republicans in November 2008 with and then wrap us in tissue to toss in the trash can when you're done.

Every election cycle, conservatives appeal to the Christian fundamentalist right with long-deferred promises of gay marriage amendments and Roe v. Wade overturned and school prayer as a sacrament. Democrats appeal for the black vote with promises of federal help with urban renewal, with improvements in housing and education programs. And every time, they don't deliver, but, because of the attitude of "Well, who the fuck else are they gonna go for?" the votes of those groups (among others) is seen as a given.

What has prompted this little diatribe regarding the treatment about not just the netroots, but the entire progressive movement are a couple of remarks made regarding the incoming Congress and the restoration of Joe the Man of Lieber to the chair of the Senate Homeland Security Committee. No, it's not the action taken, of punishing Lieberman by smacking him with a feather for a moment or two. That was a given. Anyone who thought Mighty Joe was gonna be expelled was playing a hand in a fool's game of hope poker.

Lieberman was Barack Obama's mentor when Obama came to the Senate. However alienated the election might have made them, understand that Barack Obama is a smarter natural politician than even Bill Clinton. As Howard Dean said, it was Obama's call on Lieberman. A Joe Lieberman who owes the continuation of his career to Obama is far more valuable than a sullen douchebag who holds grudges caucusing with the opponents. By holding on to Lieberman, Obama and the Senate Democrats have cut the Connecticut Senator's nuts off, and you can bet that he will fall in line. (This is against the conventional wisdom out here in Left Blogsylvania, but, hey, fuck it.)

No, what has the Rude Pundit mightily pissed and feeling like a piece of ass that was roughly fucked without even the courtesy of a reacharound is this remark from a Democratic Senate aide regarding the meaning of the vote on Lieberman: "The left has been foiled again. They can rant and rage but they still do not put the fear into folks to actually change their votes. Their influence would be in question." As Jane Hamsher said, "This is about telling you that you mean nothing."

And then there was this throwdown from House Majority Whip Steny Hoyer: "[W]e should remember that minorities don’t win elections; majorities often lose them. Majorities lose elections when they pursue partisanship to the exclusion of common sense, compromise and accomplishment. So we must remember where our majority came from. We did not just make a full-blown ideological conversion of the other half of the country. What we did do -- and this in and of itself was a huge accomplishment -- was convince majority-making independents, whether they be Democrats, Republicans, or actual independents, or declines, that we will govern responsibly and effectively at this time of national crisis."

Um, listen, motherfucker. What happened was that, in the midst of crisis, unclouded (for the most part) by a candidate not willing to play the gay-bash, hate-monger shuffle, voters realized that on virtually every non-moral issue (and even on a bunch of those), they believed the Democrats. So, yeah, maybe Hoyer's onto something when he says that it wasn't an "ideological conversion." But it was an awakening to the fact that, in an era of shrinking opportunity and greater burdens, it was time to stop playing games with one's vote. In other words, this is a progressive country. We just forgot that progress is actually possible. We happened to remember.

And that's to the credit of this fuckin' movement here. In fact, it was the progressive, liberal surge for Obama, the massive enfranchising of disaffected populations because of progressive ideas, that gave the Democrats the increased numbers. Joe and Jane Twelve-Pack decided that they'd been dicked around enough and maybe some of those crazy ideas about economic justice and government of the people were real.

Hoyer also said, "[W]e intend to govern from the middle, not the muddled middle, but the principled, consensus-creating middle that has marked our country’s progress." The problem there is that the middle has no principles. That's the convenience of being in the middle. There is only capitulation there and oh, so much compromise (some of which is, of course, inevitable - we're not dunces). No, we don't need the head of Lieberman to skull-fuck and be happy. But "foiled"?

Here's a warning to the Democrats in Congress: you better fucking deliver on some shit. Or, unlike the bitches of the Christian right who just take it, we will make you pay. One of the lessons of this past election is that we've learned how to field and support candidates.

As for Lieberman, Bone-Smokin' Joe better break out his knee pads and extra greasy lip balm for us if he wants to even have a shot at not losing to a true liberal opponent in 2012.


Let the Bodies Hit the Floor: Bye, E.D.:

Here's a double whammy situation you never wanna be in if your job is to get people to hate other people: the economy is so deep in the shitter that the only thing left to do is to dive into the sewer and salvage what you can, and the ideological movement you've been using to earn your keep by, as previously mentioned, creating more hate in the world, is at an end. At that point, as employees have learned at James Dobson's Focus on the Family (motto: "You know, Jesus didn't have benefits or a salary either"), you better be so important that your company can't survive without you.

And E.D. Hill, one of the longtime Fox "news" blondes in jackboots who would smack you with a Bible and smirk at you like she was letting you watch her satisfy her coochie with a dildo model of Rupert Murdoch's cock, lost her value like a Bear Stearns retirement account. No longer Doocy-worthy for the morning show, Fox and Friends, and post-"terrorist fist jab," Hill's contract won't be renewed. Let the purging of the nutzoids begin.

Here's just a random sampling of the recent idiocy spewed by the many personalities of this obviously brain-damaged and/or deeply disturbed woman (which is, after all, the primary qualification for working at Fox "news"):

Regarding media attention to Walter Reed Hospital's conditions, concerned E.D.: "You know, as some bringing up right away, it's Hurricane Katrina, it's this, it's that, instead of - look, there - there is a - a section there that is dilapidated; it needs to be brought up to - to standard. There are - there are treatments that are going - that are being - you know, taking too long to get to." (March 10, 2007)

Regarding what Hillary Clinton would have to do to defeat Barack Obama, passive-aggressive E.D.: "she has to paint him as being exactly what he says he is not. That he is a far left extremist. That he is not a unifier. And that he cannot go in there and get anything done in Congress -- in Washington because he hasn't been able to pass through legislation while he's been there. Does that work?" (April 16, 2008)

Regarding parenting advice from Zell Miller, E.D. the teacher (this is a long one, but because of the confluence of bugfuck and batshit insanity, it deserves the space): "Say, Senator Zell Miller, for example, as he is growing up, his mom tells him, Zell, if you want your dessert, you have got to eat your spinach. Didn't matter what she was talking about, if you want desert, you've got to eat your spinach. And what that means is, you know, we all want the good stuff in life. We want the big job, we want the great relationship, but are we willing to do the things we need to do to get there? Or do we just expect it to be given to us, without talking the smaller jobs, without, you know, working hard? If you want to go to a great college, you have got to study hard. If you want a great, love-of-your-life relationship, you have got to work at it. And so that was the whole moral there of that story, was if you want your dessert, you have got to eat the spinach." (November 3, 2005)

Finally, regarding immigration, "I think I'm smart" E.D.: "If, Bob, if we were to go, if America were to go into Mexico illegally and demand the rights every Mexican resident has, would they get it?" (July 8, 2008)

Oh, E.D. Pack up your whip and your crucifix. It's time to move on.


Why Does Conservative Spoogebucket Kevin McCullough Hate the Gays So Much?:
Oh, poor, poor Kevin McCullough. In addition to his writing, he calls his "movement" the "Musclehead Revolution." He co-hosts a weekly radio show with Stephen Baldwin that is called, no shit, "BMXtreme Radio." The "BM" stunningly does not stand for "bowel movement," which, considering the quality of the whole affair, would seem logical. His most recent book purports to tell men how to be better men. Everything about McCullough screams, "I am so in denial about my deep desire to suck dicks that I will do everything I can to stop others from being happy." And, of course, he loves him some Jesus.

In his latest "column" (if by "column," you mean, "the crust underneath the rim of the rhetorical toilet that is Townhall.com), McCullough goes after "the Prop 8 H8ters" for what he sees as their "behavior" after the passage of the amendment to the California constitution defining marriage as being only between a man and a woman. See, the protesters are "ignorant" because "they don't seem to understand the validity of Constitutional authority, Constitutional law, and Constitutional rule."

Not only that, but these people, who, according to McCullough, disrupt churches and spit in the faces of old women, are after something more deeply sinister: they want any gay-bashing to be a hate crime, a horrific future where "it will be considered a crime to even say that choosing to engage in homosexual activity is immoral, or unhealthy, or heaven forbid, just plain wrong." How this blanket ban on a form of speech is to be achieved by allowing gays to get legally married is unclear in McCullough's writing. It's just a form of illogic that proceeds illogically from the previous bits of illogic. It's kind of like saying the only way to protect yourself from your latent desire to be roughly banged by James Dobson is to ban ass fucking. Um, one has to ask, how does A get us to B and back again?

Of course, the money shot right in the face is the conclusion: "These activists h8te God, they h8te those who believe in God, and ultimately their argument is with Him and against Him. And if they believe America is uncomfortable as it is now, wait until they are faced with more eternal choices - should they choose to reject Him."

Boo-yah - that's a whole blown load of Jesus jizz runnin' down your chin there. Whatever vaguely rational argument McCullough might have been attempting to belch forth is transformed into filthy street corner rantings about godless homosexuals going to Hell.

How fun it must be in the studio with McCullough and the born-again Baldwin, with McCullough staring longingly at the former straight-to-DVD film actor. How McCullough must tremble a bit as Baldwin's lips press against the microphone head. How he must rush back to his office and viciously spank himself to his poster of Bio-Dome and then, when he's about to come, slamming his keyboard on his nuts repeatedly for letting the dirty thoughts in.


It's Friday - Laugh, Fer Chrissake:
One of the Rude Pundit's favorite websites is What Would Tyler Durden Do? Not because of the celebrity shit, but because Brendan is just goddamned funny (and it doesn't hurt that he's from Louisiana).

Why does this matter to you, dear politically-attuned reader? Because he's got a picture of Sarah Palin in shorts poolside. And the post has this line: "I’d slap her on the ass and it would sound like liberty, as we taught each other a civics lesson of love."

Now to the sake bar.
Bush to Nation: "Seriously, What the Fuck Am I Still Doing Here?":

Much mock has already been made about President George W. Bush rocking the Shocker finger gesture Wednesday when he did his yearly photo-ops with the various and sundry NCAA championship teams. In the case of the Leader of the Free World demonstrating how one might put two in the pink and one in the stink, Bush was bonding with the Arizona State University track teams. The school's mascot is a devil. The gesture is the pitchfork. It's a question of context and interpretation whether you are using your hand to cheer with Sparky the Sun Devil or flexing for your evening with a passed-out sorority girl.

However, the President also did another gesture with another team:

That would be the Tomahawk Chop, used to encourage the Florida State University Seminoles to scalp their opponents and leave their gore-covered skulls exposed. In this case, it would be those challenging the Seminoles in track and field competition. The Rude Pundit's pretty sure that the majority of those athletes are not only not Seminole Indians, but that they're not Indian at all.

This time, it ain't a question of context. That's a gesture that's pissed off a lot of people. A man who actually gave a flying fuck about what people think of him might have thought it was a bit improper to use the White House to take one more dump on Native Americans. But not our President, a man who proves the "lame" in "lame duck" on a daily basis.

Oh, by the way, there was also a team of champions from the University of Alaska-Fairbanks there for the occasion:

Those fresh-faced kids who are governed by Sarah Palin? They're the Men's and Women's Rifle Team. Some things are just living punchlines.


Fun with Lieberman: Should He Stay or Should He Go?:
Joe Lieberman is a horrible little man-cunt who allowed the loss of his party's nomination for Senate back in 2006 to drive him into shit-flinging insanity. A conservative Democrat in the past, he became a crazed hawk who would, if it was human, encourage Israel to fuck his ass again and again while demanding we bomb deeper into the Stone Age anyone who would dare slander or threaten his master-nation. A putrid opportunist, he thought that by hitching his wagon to John McCain's slimy star and the chimera of bipartisanship (which always means "Democrats must vote like Republicans" and never the other way to those who spout that bullshit), he'd get some of that maverick goo on him. Motherfucker forgot that fellow Democratic senators campaigned for him before Ned Lamont spanked his balls in the 2006 primary.

This semen-stained whore promised to caucus with Democrats only because, if he hadn't, he'd've been exiled to lobbyist land by Lamont. The Democrats needed him, of course, in order to have the majority. The Rude Pundit has made the case that fear of pissing off Lieberman was the reason progress in the most recent session of Congress was slow to nil.

By all measure, Lieberman should not just be stripped of his chair of the Homeland Security Committee and ejected from the Democratic caucus. His career should be given the rhetorical and political equivalent of a mob hit: drive that fucker out to the swampiest areas between DC and Arlington and put three bullets in the back of its skull. And, what the fuck, take its pants and shoes, smear honey on its ass and nutsack, and let the black bears have their way with the corpse. The fact that Harry Reid, no stranger to such action, hasn't done this is enraging to those of us on the left who see this past election as not just a victory for progressive politics, but as a punishing of the right. Yet...

Let's play Satan's advocate here: Lieberman knows that if he goes Republican, this is his last term in the Senate. Connecticut just tossed the carcass of Christopher Shays onto the slag heap. A non-Democratic-in-any-way Lieberman is finished. And that might be fine with him. But let's say it's not. Let's say Lieberman wants to go for another term in 2012. He's already getting his lips Chapsticked for all the work he's gonna need to do.

Now, follow the bouncing ball: If Saxby Chambliss wins the runoff in Georgia (and the GOP is gonna go all in on this one) with Al Franken and Mark Begich taking Republican seats, it would put the Democrats at 59, including Joey Lieberstooge. That would seem to be the perfect reason to boot Lieberman: fuck him - no super-majority, no need to buff that bastard's balls.

But, as much of a fucker Lieberman is on many, many issues (see his love of censorship), there's still shit he's more left wing on. As far as the Rude Pundit can tell, he hasn't changed his position, for instance, on abortion rights (which was why McCain was counseled against choosing him as a running mate, thus giving us all the gift of Sarah Palin) and other health care issues, like embryonic stem cell research.

Remember: Lieberman is a power-mad cockmonger, a principle-less buffoon. He truly thought that his media-created role as "moderate" and connection with McCain would bring him greater power. Why not? It got him invited to lots of places where people thought he was the cool kid, like Fox "news." When he was more of a real Democrat, he voted against Samuel Alito in 2005; after he became a bitter troll, he said he "regretted" that vote in 2008. Lieberman is an empty douchebag floating in the breeze. And that means he's easily fanned back to being more solidly Democratic. His crazy dance with the right failed. No one gave a fuck that he was against Obama and the Democrats except Democrats.

And remember: Republicans will behave like fucking mothers is the only way to get anywhere. After all of their weeping and teeth-gnashing over judicial filibusters (anyone remember the "nuclear option"?) for years, you can bet that they'll be trying to block nominees every chance they can. An angry, exiled, estranged Lieberman with no chance at re-election because he's forced to caucus with Republicans has no reason to vote down a filibuster on, say, a liberal Supreme Court justice. A Democratic-caucusing Lieberman with a sword hanging over his head has every reason to shut down such actions (and with, say, Susan Collins or Arlen Specter - up for re-election in 2010 - coming along). He won't be nearly as powerful as he was prior to the election, and he's got every reason to mend him some goddamn fences.

In other words, yes, it'd be awesome to enact some revenge on Lieberman. But maybe, just maybe, he's more useful alive than dead.

(Note: This is just a political game, an intellectual exercise. Personally, the Rude Pundit would like to see Joe Lieberman given a shit swirlie before being tossed to starving wolverines and then to see the DNC bribe the fuck out of Collins or Olympia Snowe to switch parties.)


Veteran's Day: All You Need to Know in Two Pictures:

That's Vice President Dick Cheney, looking as if the burden of bringing scorching, oozing hell to wherever his despoiling foot deigns to step is finally beginning to wear on him. He was visiting the Tomb of the Unknowns at Arlington National Cemetery yesterday to honor the dead, thousands of which he himself is responsible for as clearly as if he had walked up to each one and put a bullet between their eyes.

One hopes that his death march stare is revealing that, out among the white markers, our massive American Stonehenge, Cheney is seeing ghosts with blood and viscera pouring out of their wounds and not, merely, that he's gotta take a shit.

That's President-Elect Barack Obama holding Iraq war vet Tammy Duckworth in Chicago yesterday. Yes, we have many photos of President Bush embracing this or that wounded vet, but this hug seems less like an apology and more like a promise.


Advice to Soul-Searching Conservatives: Stop Being Such Jerks:
What pissed off many, many Democrats for the two presidential elections before this one wasn't just that we lost. It's also that the wins could easily be viewed in a range from "illegitimate" (definitely in 2000, possibly in 2004) to "really, really suspicious" (definitely in 2000 and 2004). So when we got our lawsuit on and were pretty goddamned angry, it wasn't just sour grapes. It's that we thought we had won.

Conservatives can't claim that in any rational way this time. 2008 wasn't an electoral or popular vote squeaker. John McCain just fucking lost and Barack Obama won. While some conservatives have been downright gracious and others have respected the win while promising hearty opposition, there's also been a vomiting to the fore of the nutbags who think the apocalypse is nigh in the Reign of Obama.

Here's some advice to conservatives seeking to define who they are in an America that said, "Suck on this" to them and voted for the Democrat: Stop being such fucking jerks about shit. Sure, sure, this advice comes from someone who believes that conservative ideology needs to be burned to the ground and the ashes made into an artificial ass that he can then fuck into dust that he can then take a post-orgasm piss on, but, you know, otherwise it comes from the heart.

There's gotta be a lot of people on the right who are just embarrassed by the stupid shit that anti-Obama-ites have been doing and saying. The spike in gun sales by those fearing that Obama will personally take away their assault weapons is like watching mad mongoloids rush for the last cup of pudding at the group home. Proving once again nothing says "I'm an easily manipulated pussy" like buying more and bigger guns, the whole surge in purchases is being fanned by people with, let's say, a vested interest in making sure the nutbags plunk down their diminishing savings on that new Glock: the firearms industry and the NRA (motto: "Scaring you stupid fucks into giving us more and more money for at least 30 years").

And then there's the other nutbags that are rearing their eye-spinning heads. Not just the usual array of Limbaughs, Coulters, and oh-so many Hannities. Now we have recently re-elected Georgia Republican Congressman Paul Broun, who said that Barack Obama wants his own private Gestapo to control Americans: "That's exactly what Hitler did in Nazi Germany and it's exactly what the Soviet Union did...When he's proposing to have a national security force that's answering to him, that is as strong as the U.S. military, he's showing me signs of being Marxist." Obama was talking about a strong civilian service corps to handle post-disaster problems, like the Gulf Coast after Katrina. But, sure, yeah, Hitler's citizen reconstruction force was well-known for its harsh house-building techniques, so let's be careful.

But Broun's a bag of unusually strong-shelled nuts. At the January 2008 "March for Life" anti-choice rally in DC, he offered his support for every self-taintlicker in the crowd: "God cannot and will not continue to bless a nation that murders over 3,000 innocent babies every day and I will do everything in my power to end this massacre of innocent life." To which, it cannot be repeated enough, how'd that lack of blessings work out for you, Christian right?

In attacking illegal immigration, Broun also asserted back in March that "roughly 40 percent of the people that are intercepted crossing our border are not Mexicans." The real number is more like 7%. Broun, speaking at a hearing of the House Homeland Security Committee, added, "[T]here is quite a large number of people that are coming across the border that are of Middle Eastern origin as well as Asian origin. A lot of these are single; they have no families. I don't think they're coming here to cut our grass or work in our chicken plants." Beyond whether it's the dream of every illegal immigrant to mow Broun's lawn or throttle his cock, the "large number of people" from those countries he mentions was 297 in 2007. Holy shit, where's that fuckin' fence?

In other words (and there will be more to say on this), Republicans are teetering on the verge of letting the fringiest of the fringes run the show. Evangelicals and other conservatives are thrilled that they've shoved out moderates in favor of creepy, racist, homophobic, fetus-huggers like Broun. Is that where the right wants to head? Is that the lesson of 2008?

And if so, the Rude Pundit can only say, "Please."


The Family Research Council: "The Cause of Faith Lost" Last Tuesday:
Oh, November 4, 2008 was a sad, sad day for we members of the mad, evangelical Family Research Council's Super-Duper Prayer Team. The Rude Pundit joined the SDPT a couple of years go under a nom de rude, and every week, he receives his prayerifyin' orders from the FRC (motto: "Father, why hast thou forsaken us?"). Our latest list o' godly demands is a despairing one, since it comes in the wake of the destruction of America by Americans tricked by the demon Obama (which, you know, sounds like a satanic chant).

In what can best be described as "putting lipstick on a urine-soaked crucifix," the FRC tells us, "God answered many of our fervent pre-election prayers! But the causes of faith, family and freedom lost significant ground." Does that mean that God is just fucking with us? No, of course not, you faithless bastards. It just means we gotta re-double our efforts: "With repentance and prayer, we must lay foundations for the next election, and not wait until then to plead for mercy to avoid greater, even more unthinkable losses! Focused prayer for our civil government must become part of the core of church life, if America and religious liberty are to survive."

The great thing about the Super-Duper Prayer Team's weekly prayerilingus list is that each admonition includes a suggested readin' from the Good Book (which is not, it seems, Tropic of Cancer, but the Bible). After the soul-stirring cry for us to pray harder, motherfuckers, pray harder, it is suggested that we look at 1 Timothy 2. So the Rude Pundit did.

The chapter begins with blah, blah, fuckin' blah about prayer bein' all great and shit. Then, round about verse 8, it starts. First saying that women should "adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array." And it's got this lovely couple of verses: "Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence."

So what's the implication here? Because, you know, it's the fuckin' Bible. There's other passages that say, "Pray real good." Is the Family Research Council, whose president, Tony Perkins, is a regular on Fox "news" and CNN, blaming feminism for the election losses? Well, of course it is. Otherwise, one has to blame oneself, adapt, change. Evolve, if you will.

The Super-Duper Prayer Team blast o' doom continues: "Our valiant prayer efforts did not impede the relentless march of the culture of death. Yet we mustn't retreat or yield to discouragement. Spirit-led, organized, strategic prayer efforts must be put into place long before the next election. We must prevail over the principalities and powers that energize the advocates of abortion and homosexuality, who now dominate our political institutions...Only mountain-moving prayer will stop them."

'Cause, see, nothing is more important than "the issues of our day: the abortion holocaust, the homosexual agenda, the indoctrination of children and other practices that must be stopped if America is to survive." That's followed by a happy little jig over the passage of the anti-gay marriage measures and other ballot initiatives, which, of course, is the product of the same prayerdomy that failed to get Republicans elected most everywhere. Not know the ways of God? Howzabout that that big fuckin' sky wizard's just in it for kicks?

Mainly what the updates of the Super-Duper Prayer Team reveal is how the Christian right is going to frame upcoming battles. And how they are already preparing to get their followers into the kind of savage froth one witnesses when watching a really intense baboon jack off.


Barney the Dog Is Not Gonna Take This Shit Anymore:

Yesterday, First Dog Barney bit Reuters reporter Jon Decker when Decker reached out to pet the Scottish terrier. Reached for comment, an obviously intoxicated Barney, with suspicious white powder caked on his cold, wet nose, offered the following:

"Yeah, I bit that cocksucker. Fuck him. Did I fuckin' look like I wanted my ears scratched? He's lucky I didn't throw him onto the ground and hump his ass. You do not fuck with the B-dog when the B-dog does not wish to be fucked with.

"An overreaction? Have you been around here for the last couple of months? 'Cause I sure as shit have been here. I've been forced to sit on George's lap while he cries like a little bitch - and, hey, I know bitches - watching his little post-9/11 standing-on-the-rubble speech over and over as he sucks down the boilermakers. And then, when the guy's finally drunk himself to sleep and the Secret Service have dragged him to bed and laid him on his side so he doesn't choke on his own vomit, Laura offers me a fuckin' treat to come into the Lincoln bedroom. Like the stupid biscuit whore I am, I go runnin' down there, and then she shuts the door and lays on the bed, pouring Alpo between her legs. What would you do, motherfucker? Huh? You're a human; I'm just a dog. A fixed dog. My nuts were cut off so long ago I forget what they taste like. She's pinchin' her tits and callin' me 'Jeb' and all I want is to have dinner. And if pussy bowl Alpo's what's being offered, then I'm diving in.

"Sure, they can all put on a little show, coming out to say how the whole transition's gonna be smooth. But you weren't fuckin' here election night. First, they made Condi leave because Card said he wanted to be able to say what he was really feeling. Then when she was gone, it was just 'nigger' this and 'jigaboo' that and 'porch monkey' and you know the rest. Fuckers would giggle at every backwards ass racist joke about watermelon parties and threatening to boil Gordon Brown in a giant pot on the South Lawn. Hello? Fuckin' look at me. I'm a brother, motherfuckers. And that shit was not cool.

"That's not to mention - every time a Bush state went Obama, Cheney kicked me. And then he'd laugh. He'd laugh when I yelped because that's the shit that he's into. I tried to bite him, but the Secret Service guys held me back and that son of a bitch threatened to have me put down. Me put down? That motherfucker better back the fuck off or I'll fuckin' cut his metal heart out. I fuckin' swear.

"So, yeah, bitches, I was feelin' a little tense from lack of sleep and all the yelling and I'm outside, just wantin' to take a private shit for once and the goddamn press dicks surround me, asking me what I thought about the Obama kids getting a puppy. Who the fuck cares? Get your fucking cameras out of my face. So when Decker tried to get all personal, I snapped and then I snapped. Yeah, motherfucker. You got off easy. Now get the fuck out of my room. This coke ain't gonna snort itself."


Why the Hell Not? Let's Gloat Some More:
Yesterday, the Rude Pundit blew his long held-in load all over the face of the past eight years. Today, let's wipe off on the current reactions of some of our beloved right wing pundits:

One of the deep pleasures of yesterday and today has been seeing how nutzoid conservatives in the media attempt to deal with Barack Obama's victory. It's like the visceral thrill and hilarity of watching a bunch of skateboarding face-plant videos, where you point and laugh and say, "You stupid douche. Did you really think you could make that kickflip off those steps?" There's a descent into madness happening on the right with breathtaking speed, like they're on a swinging rope bridge over a mountain crevasse and they're scrambling to figure out which side to run to while the ropes unravel.

For instance, here's Rush Limbaugh, kicking out the racist jams, actually having a conversation with an imaginary black man about Obama's call for people to sacrifice and work for the good of the country: "'What's this, bro, you asking us to join in the work of remaking the nation?' That [sound]bite where he's going on and on and on about sacrifice, gonna take hard work, the crowd, that's when I finally saw some consciousness on their face, they said, 'What?' I mean, the cheering stopped, a little puzzlement, looks of perplexed on these faces, 'Whoa, whoa, what is this sacrifice? We, we gonna sacrifice?'" Beyond the obvious of not knowing what fucking station Limbaugh was watching where the cheering in Grant Park subsided, there's the utterly charmingly quaint degradation of blacks as too lazy to work to make the nation better.

Ann Coulter's cunt is just filled with sour grapes. Already a self-mutilating chode-guzzler of Olympian appetites, you can read Coulter's Joycean urine stream of deranged consciousness dribbled onto the page and actually see her go more and more insane as the column (if by "column," you mean, "a visit to a puppy abattoir") goes on. She scribbles out her usual piquant mixture of bugfuck insane arguments and shitty jokes before turning on her own party. Coulter rips into McCain, going at him for the very mavericky things that got him any attention in the first place and that he turned his back on during the election: "How could we go after Obama for his illegal alien aunt and for supporting driver's licenses for illegal aliens when McCain fanatically pushed amnesty along with his good friend Teddy Kennedy?"

The best is when Coulter actually bends her legs over her head and bites her own clit: "I am now liberated to announce that all I care about is hunting down and punishing every Republican who voted for McCain in the primaries." It's always great when a stripper stands on stage, tells the guys staring at her tits that they're not tipping enough to see her cooter, and then the guys still don't toss any more bills at her. It's democracy at its finest.

Bob "A Lack of a Brain Won't Stop Me" Novak and Jonah "Making the National Review Even Shittier for Over Half a Decade" Goldberg try to appear relevant to any conversation by asserting how Obama and the Democrats are supposed to behave now. It's sort of like a prison bitch telling the guy who just bought him for two packs of cigarettes and a crusty Hustler that he thinks it would be so much better if there was no face raping. It's already been well-mocked that Novak, who said that Bush's 50.7% popular vote victory to Kerry's 48.3% in 2004 was a "mandate" for Bush, says Obama's 52% to McCain's 46% is "no mandate." And Goldberg? That little fuck tries a more conciliatory tone: "The conservative in me hopes that Obama sees the wisdom in governing as a centrist, if not a center-right, president." The problem with that (and there are so very many) is that a "centrist" for Goldberg is conservative and "center-right" is, for most of us, "crazy."

In other words, Novak and Goldberg want the Democrats, who just won, to act like Republicans, who just lost. Let the face-raping commence.

Finally, to leave you with the image of conservatives sitting in a padded room where they have scrawled unreadable manifestos on the walls with their own shit, here's Sean Hannity from his Fox "news" show last night, regarding Obama's first pick for his administration: "He's picked Rahm Emmanuel, one of the hardest left-wing radicals on the left, as his chief of staff. There's all the evidence that he's going to swing to the hard left. And I think they're going to overreach, and I think we're going to see the person that I think Barack Obama is. I think he is hard, hard left." That's tasty idiocy.

Hannity (and, to a lesser extent, Colmes) was interviewing Joe the Plumber in some kind of summit of retardation. In all his inarticulate glory, Joe answered a question on whether he thinks Obama is "loyal to the United States": "To a democracy, yes. I mean, you know, right back to as far as the socialist issues, spreading the wealth. I mean, you know, Alan, that is right out of Karl Marx. You know, Webster dictionary I had this morning for another show I did. I mean, if you read it, that's exactly pretty much word for word what Obama said earlier. You know, government health care...Yes, he was democratically elected, but he's asking about -- he's proposing a lot of changes that could, you know, change the core of America, don't you think?"

Oh, Joe, Sean, Rush, Ann, Bob, Jonah, and the many, many rest. God, you know they're so fucking pissed that Obama blew McCain away, that they couldn't even try to steal this election or declare it illegitimate. Now they have to actually grapple with a reality, and they can't get their tiny, narrow minds around it. But for we who won? Let's enjoy the sight of the ants swirling and drowning in their own toilet.


Time to Rub Their Fucking Faces in It:
A wiser, more prescient-thinking nation would have done this four years ago. But, no, no. It wasn't enough that America had been bent over a pommel horse and fucked by the uncircumcised cock of the Bush administration. We had to be raped, raped again, and then beaten down in the street with the threat of having our eyes cut out and our kidneys sold to the Chinese before we finally said, "You know what? Fuck this. We deserve better than to be the jizz repository of Republicans and all the conservative johns."

Yeah, there's gonna be time for "reaching across the aisle," a phrase that ought to be consigned to the medical waste heap along with "trickle down" and "homeland security." There's gonna be plenty of time for us to figure out how to work to bring the rest of the nation into the fold. There's time enough to do all of the reconciliation and reformation and offering of a hand. But today, and maybe tomorrow, and maybe even Friday, let's just fucking gloat.

Because yesterday, the United States of America, east, west, north, and south, motherfuckers, shook its collective ass at and farted in the face of the Bush administration, of John McCain, and of the entire right wing that, since Ronald Reagan, has yanked this nation further and further rightward like it's a leashed dog. We bit the hand that fed us, man, and the blood tastes so very good.

So let's all say a huge "Fuck you" to some of those who have been shitting in our nests for the last eight years:

A great big "fuck you" to the warmongers, the fearmongers, the hatemongers, and the neocons. Last night, we said to them, "You can't scare us anymore." And we shoved their Iraq and their 9/11 whoring and their Iran threat and their WMDs and their pre-emptive doctrines and their Gitmo and their torture right up Dick Cheney's ass and laughed while he tried to get it out 'cause it burns his sphincter so fucking badly.

Let's say, "Suck our dicks" to the religious right. Sure, they can still get people to hate on gays, but now we know: Jesus doesn't fucking care about Christian conservatives. Jesus said, "Lick my holy balls" to the evangelicals last night because, see, Jesus wants us to stop being such motherfuckers to each other and to the rest of the world. It's proof, no? That Jesus wants liberal judges? That Jesus wants abortion to be safe? That Jesus wants Nancy Pelosi to be Speaker of the House? That Jesus wants science to rule the day? Yeah, Jesus fooled you, motherfuckers. You tried to speak for him, but last night he spoke loud and clear.

Let's say, "Go fuck yourselves" to the right wing media, to the Fox "news" people and political analysts and insane columnists and idiotic bloggers who spouted lies and conspiracy theories and who rectally examined every aspect of Barack Obama's life, hoping that something, some association, some vague phrase he said, would make people think he's just another nigger. And you failed, you piss-drinking, talking points vomiting, garbage-fucking whores. Because, at the end of the day, America so rejected what you were peddling that the truly honorable among you should be dangling from your own nooses today, leaping out of your syndicate's or network's office windows, sitting in bathtubs and dropping your plugged-in TV's into the water.

Finally, for today, let's kick John McCain and Sarah Palin while they're down. Because everything they did made Barack Obama and Joe Biden seem that much more honorable and presidential. Because every misstep they made showed just how incredible and beautiful a machine the Obama campaign was. Because every slime McCain painfully threw ended up coating his face and made Obama seem that much brighter. Because every tinny, awkward, wrong word squeaked out of Palin made Biden appear even more the elder statesman. Because the country said to both of them, "You are full of shit, and we know it. Go the fuck away."

Let us dance, motherfuckers, mad, grotesque, ancient dances that lead us into ripping our clothes off, eating the hearts of our enemies, and fucking like the carnal goddamned human beings we are, all around the burning flames of an ideology that told us we were traitors and un-American. No, we can say now, loudly, this is what America is.


Welcome to the New Nation:
Damn. We truly are a better country than we thought we were.
Fuck Yeah:
Ohio and New Mexico called for Obama? It's over. Put McCain back in the cage. Send Palin back to caribou country. The Rude Pundit's heading out to the bar to buy drinks for the few sad Republicans in these parts and then say, "Don't worry. Things will be so much better during an Obama presidency. Now why don't you blow me?"
Election Night: CNN Acid Trip:
On the CNN, shit keeps popping up and floating in, people keep appearing out of thin air, and hot chicks and dudes wave their hands and colors appear. This ain't news. It's Blitzer in the sky with diamonds.
Election Day: Nine Ways Republicans Will Try to Make Obama's Victory Illegitimate (You Don't Get to Read This Until You've Fucking Voted):
This time around, the machines were working at the Rude Pundit's precinct. The first thing he did after pushing the magical buttons was to call the Rude Brother and say, "I just voted for a black guy for president. How crazy is that?" It's not, of course, that it's a leap of beliefs for the Rude Pundit. It's having the opportunity. And, totally non-cynically, that was just goddamn cool. The fact that Obama's gonna win? Well, let's not blow our loads yet.

Despite the fact that George W. Bush was installed in office in 2000 after losing the popular vote and, as proven later, the electoral vote, that won't stop Republicans from claiming that even a true landslide (not the 51% that Bush claimed was a "mandate" in 2004) is proof that the election was stolen by Democrats like a sleeping baby from out of a crib by a mad elf. Let's not wait for Rick Davis or some other McCain campaign bucket of spooge to screech nutzoid excuses to Wolf Blitzer. Here's what they'll say:

1. "Barack Obama's grandmother died before Election Day. Should her early vote count? Or isn't that just typical Chicago politics (even if she lived in Hawaii)?"

2. "Sarah Palin's witch hunter pastor says that John McCain was a victim of voodoo, hoodoo, and demonic intervention because November 4 is so close to Halloween."

3. "If the Supreme Court doesn't declare Obama the winner, it doesn't count."

4. "Obama's voters are brainwashed socialist hordes who were ordered by subliminal text message to do the Democrats' bidding or face immediate bombing by Bill Ayers and a sound 'goddamning' from Jeremiah Wright while being forced to buy cheap real estate from Tony Rezko."

5. "The Diebold electronic voting machines received the wrong orders after they were hacked. Oh, shit, did I just say that?"

6. "Election workers in Gary, Indiana, and elsewhere were confused when people showed up dressed as Mickey Mouse and Dr. Seuss, just like it said on their ACORN registration cards."

7. "White Americans were frightened by the thought of rioting, basketball player strikes, and a bunch of really bad protest hip-hop if Obama lost."

8. "Republicans were confused when they saw John McCain's name above Sarah Palin's on the ballot."

9. "America just voted a black guy with a weird name in as President. C'mon, Wolf. That can't be real."

(By the way, for bugfuckery about this sort of thing in its purest form, check out this entry from the ironically titled blog "American Thinker.")

Finally, if you still haven't voted and you need a kick in the ass to go do it, whether you're in a swing state or not (remember: the bigger the popular vote, the longer the honeymoon), here's a booting from the rude past: "Why Vote Against Republicans? Because Fuck Them."

Back tonight to finally come all over the right wing's stupid face.


Closing Argument (Rude Version): Rise Up, Assholes, and Get Your Lives Back:
One of the things that the last eight years, if not the last couple of decades, has demonstrated is that, with lots of exceptions, we have become a nation of assholes. Indeed, the story of contemporary America is that of an unprecedented combination of Republican patriarchal politics masked as democracy, multinational corporate control of media and the means of production, cheap electronics and cheap credit pouring into the hands of people who have no business with either, and the propagation, through the government, the corporate media, and the churches, of a mighty myth about the primacy of the individual above all else. And that has turned us into a bunch of assholes.

We're self-righteous pricks, convinced that each of us is so goddamned important that people actually want to read about our every move on Twitter or Facebook. Or that every conversation we want to have with another person is so goddamned urgent that we need to have Bluetooth shoved up our asses and the ability to blink out a text message. Every filthy-mouthed tool with a laptop can blog whatever dribbles out of his or her deranged mind and believe that people should give a shit about reading it. We have become such mega-consumers that the act of consuming has been subsumed into our identities, with all things merely a couple of clicks away on our iPhones. And the people mentioned above would have it no other way. The more blinking lights mesmerize us into thinking we have it all, the less we think about everything that's going haywire.

There's shit that could be tolerated. The Clinton years lulled the assholes into blithe acceptance. 9/11 should have been the beginning of some assertion of asshole activism, but we were told to go about our business. And we did. We fucking did. Then, even as a deep anxiety was already creeping into American consciousness, Katrina happened. And the war went haywire. And now the economy is on life support. When you fuck with an asshole's ability to stay self-involved, well, that's something that has to be dealt with. Harshly. When the failures of the Bush administration finally pierced into the Tivo-numbed skulls of America, it was like shoving a fist up the ass of a sleeping giant.

What we're witnessing this election season is the ultimate triumph of American assholism: don't you fuckin' tell us we can't change things. Maybe the end result of selfishness is self-empowerment, the belief that, yeah, goddamnit, we are important enough to transform this shit. Because this ain't about McCain, this ain't about Obama. It's about us. That's what Obama has tapped into, and that's what we have responded to. Barack Obama hasn't asked us to transcend our asshole ways. He's asked us to use them, to turn the tools of egotistical expression into weapons, to act like righteous motherfuckers to those who have power. Bill Ayers and the Weather Underground and the SDS were fuckin' jerks. The civil rights marchers were rude and impolite to the status quo.

Now is the time, this final confluence of events, that has allowed us to be able to say, "How dare you have done this to us. How fucking dare you." It's why for so, so many people race doesn't matter. It's why even the South and West are in play this year. Even an asshole can do what's right.

No policy talk here. No comparisons with McCain. Let's keep this clear: By making Barack Obama president, we return to a simple American idea, one that the Founders embraced when they were such jack-offs to the British: this land is our land, my land, your land. But it ain't fuckin' their land.
New Rude Pundit Podcast: Hobos at Ground Zero:
Yesterday, the Rude Pundit talked about the election with three homeless guys by the World Trade Center site, Ground Zero, New York City, a place not in Sarah Palin's "real America."

At the end of the interview, the Rude Pundit handed one of them three five-dollar bills to thank them for their time (he had not mentioned cash before talking to them). The grizzled, bearded, filthy, nearly toothless man with all his possessions in a shopping cart immediately handed one five each to the other two. At its most basic level, that hobo spread the wealth.

Later: Let's do this thing.


A Sunday Question: Who Is Funding the National Republican Trust PAC?:
These are the rank fuckers who are now running a spankin' new Jeremiah Wright ad, filled with "God damn America" goodness we thought had run its course.

Following the money to Open Secrets, we can see that the primary funding for the PAC's ad buys comes from the "Philips Brook Group." To the tune of nearly $5 million. That's Scaife-level cash. (The next biggest funder is Newsmax, so you know the PAC's credible.)

Now, using the amazing powers of the Google, a search reveals...absolutely nothing.

Any ideas?

Back later with a new podcast.


The Rude Pundit Live in NYC - Update :
Just added: Eric Boehlert, writer and Media Matters fellow, will be joining Firedoglake's Jane Hamsher and the Rude Pundit on Monday night, November 3, election eve, at 8 p.m. at 45 Bleecker in New York City. We're all gonna be interviewed and have a last dance, election kvetch-fest with Daily Show co-creator and the woman who introduced almost all of us to Rachel Maddow, Lizz Winstead.

Prior to the sit-down, Winstead and a cast of very funny people will kick out the comedy jams with Wake Up World, the morning news show where you're not only in the audience, but you're in the audience.

For tickets (a measly $12.50) and more information on the show, check out the Shoot the Messenger website.